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Welcome ladies, gentlemen and Richmond fans to the 2019 Brownlow Medal, and what a super night ahead awaits us all- We'll inappropriately ogle the WAGs on the red carpet, wonder if we'll get a 6 way tie in the closest predicted count in a billion years, and watch Hamish ask completely inappropriate questions.
Or alternatively, you can watch the Grand Final Ultra Marathon on Fox Footy from 8pm.
THE MAIN EVENT- THE RED CARPET FROM 7:30
7:30- The soon to be former Bartel Nadia heading up the Interviews, alongside Campbell Brown, for the first time since his last eviction from Crown
7:35- Brad Sewell's brother Conrad is here to perform a few songs
7:44- Nadia not using a stool to interview Maxy Gawn
7:50- Tayla Harris and Katie Brennan in bath robes- Interesting scenes here
7:55- Even Nat Fyfe's missus Elli is wearing an elbow sleeve
8:00- Wait a minute, who are the "GWS Giants?"
8:03- Disappointed that Mardi Dangerfield hasn't gone for that Ronda Rousey haircut from 2016
8:09- "Matthew Richardson- Equal 3rd- 2008 Brownlow Medal"
8:13- Dyson Heppell rocking the shorts tonight, because fuck it, he's on crutches
8:20- Well there we have it- for some reason, Jess Murphy, partner of Marc, gets Best Afield honours for having her hair cut upstairs
VOTE COUNTING TIME
And now as I seem to do every year, here's the voice of The 'Bool to power us through this boring shitshow- Rick McIntosh!
8:25- And here comes Hamish for the Rob Oakeshott speech- We're only 9 hours away from beginning
8:30- AND THE GATES CRASH BACK- THE VOTES ARE UNDERWAY
8:31- BRAYDEN FIORINI 3 VOTES
8:33- A massive 3 vote performance in Round 2 for G. De Goey, as the early pacesetters Cripps, Dangerfield and Kelly immediately put 5 votes on the field
8:38- 2 Rounds before an ad break get fucked you useless wankers
8:42- We remember the last fabulous time the Suns won a game
8:43- And Cripps keeps making the early moves- Crossing 10 votes after only 4 games!
8:46- And Cripps is going to make this a staying test- 13 votes after 5 games, a new record, and he leads by a solid 5 votes!
8:51- Ah yes, ANZAC Day, when you fuckers nearly shut down the sub
8:54- And after 6 Rounds Cripps leads by 4 votes to Neale and Dangerfield, with a heap of others on 8 votes, including Fyfe
9:00- And on that note I need a fill up, and on the other side, it's time for Mark Of The Year
9:02- Liam Ryan x2 vs Isaac Heeney.... and the winner is....
9:03- LIAM RYAN... ROUND 9 EDITION!
9:10- They pass the 9 Round furlong and Cripps leads on 16, Neale and Fyfe working their way into it on 15 and 14, and there's still plenty of time for the others to make a run
9:12- The montage to the retirees... where is Alex Lloyd when we need him?
9:18- Jim Stynes Community Award Time- And the winner goes to Stephen Coniglio for his work in the Western Sydney community!
9:27- AND WE'VE HIT THE HALFWAY MARK AND FYFE HAS TAKEN THE LEAD ON 20 FROM CRIPPS AND KELLY ON 18, NEALE 2 FURTHER BACK ON 16, AND DANGERFIELD AND CO ARE JUST LUUUURKING ABOUT!
9:34- P.CRIPPS 3 VOTES
9:48- It's all uphill for a number of runners, and it's a flat track for a number of runners
9:52- Fyfe still leads by 3 votes, as we now pay tribute to those who have departed us this past year- On that note, RIP Polly Farmer and Spud once again
10:00- Goal Of The Year Time, and for some reason, Nat Fyfe and Tayla Harris will present
10:00- It's Tippa vs Eddie vs Mr Urine Sample... and the winner is..
10:01- EDDIE BETTS, FOR THAT GOAL IN ROUND 5
10:07- AND THE PACE IS GOING UP, FYFE PUTS IN ANOTHER 3 VOTE EFFORT TO GO 6 VOTES CLEAR FROM CRIPPS AND KELLY, BUT I CAN SENSE HIS RUN MIGHT BE COMING TO AN END
10:17- CRIPPS IS HARD UNDER THE WHIP AS WE APPROACH ROUND 19- SERIOUSLY, HOW BLOODY GOOD IS THE CROWN!
10:19- FUCK, CRIPPS IS TRAVELLING WELL AND KELLY STILL HAS SOMETHING TO GIVE- THIS IS STARTING TO GET BIG WITH 4 ROUNDS TO GO!
10:25- FYFE WITH ANOTHER 3 VOTER- HE'S FINDING PLENTY!
10:26- Fucking oath, Round 21 was the funniest round of the year- The snow game and North and Essendon shitting the bed on the same night
10:28- DANGERFIELD'S DROPPED OUT AND SO TOO HAS NEALE
10:29- FYFE IS FINDING PLENTY, FYFE SOMEHOW GETS ANOTHER 3 VOTES, AND HE'S WON THE BROWNLOW MEDAL, WHAT A MASSIVE EFFORT, WHERE'S THE FYFE, GIVE ME THE FYFE!
10:30- AND AS THEY HIT THE LINE, FYFE WINS IT BY 6 VOTES IN AN ABSOLUTE ROMP, HE'S NOW A 2-TIME WINNER OF THE BROWNLOW, AND FUCK ME DEAD, HIS SHOULDERS MUST BE GIVING OUT CARRYING THOSE SHIT TRUCKS IN FREO ALL BLOODY YEAR
10:31- ALL-AUSTRALIAN CAPTAIN AND BROWNLOW MEDALIST IN THE SAME YEAR- DEAR WEST AUSTRALIAN, STICK THAT UP YOUR FUCKING ARSES
10:33- Winner's speech time with Rompingwins- Fyfey talking about when he was a FIGJAM and got dropped to the Aquinas 3rds in 2007
CORRECT WEIGHT RACE 7 FROM CROWN CASINO
1st (33 votes) Fyfe ,
2nd (27 votes) Dangerfield ,
D/H 3rd (26 votes) Cripps Neale ,
5th (24 votes) T.Kelly .
THAT'S ALL FROM ME- Another wild Brownlow comes to an end!

Chapter 1
This is a true story.
I will begin this story in 2007, this is when I decided to join the Royal Australian Navy. I was 22yrs old and had been out of high school for 4 years with no real intent on going to university since I didn’t think it would necessarily make me successful. I been doing odd jobs like a pizza driver which I had to hold for a year because I originally applied for the Air Force but was rejected due to not holding a steady job which showed a lack of commitment, therefore after a year as a pizza driver a joined the Navy since a few of my friends had joined and said it was an easy ride. So there I was on the bus to Cerberus.
I had to go into the city to get a bus with everyone else down to Cerberus despite living only 20 minutes from the base. Cerberus is the main Navy training base in Cribpoint, Victoria where all the new recruits from around Australia end up. As recruit school came to an end after 11 weeks I had to wait for the next graduating class for a month before I was posted to Sydney to start my course as a Combat Systems Operator. That’s when my life took a big turning point. I was attending early morning activity where we were asked to lift weights and run them over to the training ground, I started to feel a sharp pain in my back, after a while I had to stop running and asked to go to the hospital. Limping over I barely made it when in the hospital my back started to spasm with pain. I had an L5 disc prolapse and could not walk for 2 days and was in the hospital for 10 days. I was happy to finally leave the hospital at which point they told me not to sit down or stand up for too long so I proceeded straight to the casino to play poker.
Upon arriving at HMAS Watson in Sydney I was informed by the doc that I wouldn’t be posting to a ship anytime soon as my back injury was holding me back. HMAS Watson is a beautiful base where people from the public would actually get married in the church on base. I enjoyed the CSO course and was top of the class but I couldn’t keep out of trouble. I push my luck one night when I got drunk on base and end up in a fight with another trainee. I was suspended with pay for 6 months and returned to Melbourne where I had to report to Cerberus 3 times a week. They sent me a letter explaining that my service would be terminated but I could write in a response with a reason why I should stay. I decided that since I wouldn’t be posting to a ship I decided to leave. Psychologists would later say that my actions in the Navy were early signs of schizophrenia.
Back in Melbourne and looking for a job a decided to get a job where my back wouldn’t stop me from working so I started working at a call center selling electricity over the phone. Not a very nice job but it paid for my apartment and beer which is all I really needed. 1 year in the job and I had been promoted a number of times to quality controller and then campaign manager. During this time my schizophrenia started to take hold. When I get schizophrenic I start to think I’m under surveillance and also think “I’m the only one in existence”, as a secret agent, I can do whatever I feel like doing without any consequences. So I stole 52 credit card numbers with there cvv numbers from work for later use. I knew that if I used the cards that the people would get their money back because if they report their cards stolen the bank gives them back their money while they investigate, so I was really robbing the bank. The campaign I was managing was the Insulation scheme and the Home sustainability campaign. The government was giving away free insulation worth $1600 to every household and free home assessments that are both meant to help tackle climate change by reducing the carbon footprint of each house. The whole campaign collapsed overnight when a number of people had been killed by fires that had started from dodgy insulation installers. That’s when I decided to start my own company. I knew a few old clients that were not that happy with my current company so I called them up and told them I was starting my own and would they like to be a client. I got a few that said yes and with one offering $5000 cash to startup I knew this was the time. I flew to Sydney and picked up the cash like something from the movies and on the way to my hotel I saw the guy that I had got into a fight with from the Navy and thought if I didn’t have $5k in my bag I would throw you in the river but lucky I had the cash. After bathing in the money I made my way back to Melbourne got my friends together and started up on Little Collins Street in the CBD. After 3 months of running home sustainable services, I flew back to Sydney to set-up a new center with a client. Half-way through setting up my friend and I decided to drive back to Melbourne because we had things to do, we hired a rent-a-bomb car, the old cars that you’re not meant to drive out of the city, we decided to take it to Melbourne from Sydney. We picked up a hitchhiker who had lost his license drink driving and at that point, I decided to let Finbar drive. Finbar hadn’t driven a car in 10 years when he had his learners as he has been using public transport for most of his life but I didn’t think much could go wrong. Well. The hitchhiker was so afraid of Finbars driving he asked to be let out at the next stop in the middle of nowhere. Upon letting the guy out Finbar then for some reason accidentally decided to plant his foot down on the accelerator while in neutral with me yelling at him to take his foot of and him looking around in confusion it was all pretty funny. By the time we had got to Melbourne the car was overheated and smoke was coming out of the engine. We just managed to get it into a train carpark before it died for good. The car company called me up asking if I needed another day and I explained what had happened and they then asked for $5000 by the end of the business day for the car. The car wasn’t worth $500 so $5000 they were dreaming. We borrowed the client's credit card to hire a nice new car to drive back up to Sydney and along the way when we collided with a truck tire at 110km/h that was in the middle of the road. The car slightly damaged we arrived at which point we were locked out of the office because we hadn’t paid back the debt we owed to them. So it was back to Melbourne again. When I flew back to Melbourne the company had no campaigns to go on so I had to close it down. I then applied for Centrelink and had to move into a backpacker as that’s all I good afford. Centrelink, however, wouldn’t pay me for 1 month because I had previously run my own company and they had to make sure I had no money. This only led to one thing. Crime. I went to coles online shopping and bought roast lamb, bourbon, wines, and anything I felt like with the stolen credit card numbers. I had it all delivered to the door. I needed to convert this into cash somehow so I bought items like police scanners and surveillance equipment which I later sold at cash converters. The lawyers would later argue I was highly paranoid hence the equipment. I then decided to fly to Perth to visit my mate. So I called up Virgin Blue and gave the credit card over the phone while I was at the airport and bought the next flight out of Melbourne. I guess it didn’t matter the card had a different name than my name since I flew under my real name. In Perth, I knew I could sneak into an Army barracks that were used by all three services without anyone noticing so I did. I walked in through the side gate and slept in the barracks for a week. There were 3 big 2 story blocks that were mostly empty and a few rooms that were unlocked. I ordered pizza over the phone again with the cards just down the road. I then decided it was time to leave and head back to the Airport so I walked into town and asked to take a car for a test drive from a local dealer, I drove the car back onto the base and loaded up the car with my luggage and that’s when the fuel run out. So what did I do? I walk over to the fuel pump on the base of course and asked to use a petrol can to fill up my ride. That’s when I bumped into a very switched on army officer who asked me a hundred questions at a time. He told me to just go and wait in the blocks while we find out where I’m from. I could have made a dash for it but being a 35-degree day I just thought fuck it. The officer came in and said “You’re not going anywhere till you tell me who you are and what you’re doing”, I told them straight up, I was on base because I didn’t want to pay for accommodation and I’m really cheap, they called the cops and then we both started having a laugh about the lack of security around the place. I was charged with trespassing and got a $150 fine. The car was picked up by the owner and I flow back to Melbourne again with stolen credit cards.
When I arrived back in Melbourne Centrelink finally decided to pay up and I then took myself straight to the police station and handed over the credit card numbers at which point the policeman looked at me and said: “why are you handing yourself in?” Well, my belief that I was part of ASIO and untouchable made me feel like I wouldn’t really get in any trouble, and I also wanted to make sure the people that I had stolen from got their money back from the banks.
I had an initial interview with the detective and he informed me it would take some time to investigate what I bought on what cards so I didn’t attend court for about 6 months time. In the meantime, I was staying at backpackers meeting loads of people from around the world and then I met Alex. This guy was wearing the Navy running shorts like a typical wanker. He had just gotten out of the Navy and looking for a new goal in life as well. We became good mates talking about all the crap you get up to in the Navy. We ended up going out most nights using the free drink cards that you can get at the backpackers to get shit faced. With the money I had saved, I decided to buy a van so I could sleep in the back and not have to pay for accommodation. I parked the car in the open carpark next to Urban central backpacker right under the highway. It was ok besides the car getting broken into nearly every week but I really had nothing worth stealing. My mate and I were out on the town pissing up spending all our money at the casino and strippers and then decided it would be a great idea to break into a storage facility and see what we could get. We drove out there and we were so drunk we were on the site for 40 mins before the cops finally came to arrest us. My mate gave up but I started running for it. I made it about 300 meters before being surrounded. Yet another pending court appearance. You would think I would learn by now to stop doing crime but the type of schizophrenia that I have just says “Do whatever the fuck you like”. And again I was about to. With all the stress of the pending court dates, I decided it would be a nice time for a good old road trip. I hired a Ford xr6 2010 model a nice car with plenty of space and cruise control I first was just going to hire the car for a day when I said to myself “let's drive to Byron Bay”. I went on gumtree and advertised offering a lift from Melbourne to Sydney for $50. I figured if I got a full car of 4 people I would even make money from the trip after fuel expenses. I traveled with 2 French girls and 2 English girls and so began a month-long trip traveling with 30 different people from Melbourne to Sydney to Byron Bay to Brisbane to Hervey Bay and then back to Sydney. I was traveling over from March to April to it wasn’t hard to find travel partners. I stopped over at Byron Bay for the Bluesfest where I decided to volunteer. After staying at the backpacker for one night I noticed a girl trying to sneak in so that’s when I decided to buy a tent and camp and invite people to camp out with me. I found a nice quiet spot right down near the beach and camped with ten different people. A great time watching the sunrise knowing that I would more than likely be going to prison. Somehow I just didn’t give a shit. I dropped the car off at Sydney airport and flow back to Melbourne. Back in the van again and that’s when the first major schizophrenic episode happened.
To be continued..